Gary: So, Paul’s saying, we’re not to seek some fulfilled destiny. This is what you do not want to be led astray with.1 Corinthians 7, going back to that, Paul says, we want to marry for the sake of righteousness. when you’re single and you’re saying, Lord, okay, I feel like You’re allowing me to seek a mate and that’s what You want me to do and I certainly am grateful (Chuckling) for that, Lord. How again, do you get the handle on this distinction between an infatuation and doing it in such a way that is uplifting righteousness? I’m not sure if he’s got the character that I want.” How do I learn to put character above infatuation? You’ve told us basically, the person you love doesn’t necessarily need to be the person you marry, that uh ... You gotta be [ ] aware of infatuation, ‘cause it makes you blind and stupid. and then you get down to it and you’re goin’, seek out character over attraction really. it seems counterintuitive to your emotions, but it is right on the mark when it comes to what God wants in your life. You’ll find these resources and other helps at focusonthefamily.com/radio or call 800-A-FAMILY.If a guy is in a dating relationship or he’s got a series of dating relationships, he’s not behaving himself sexually, he says to him, go ahead and get married. It seems to me those can be in conflict at times, because infatuation, that’s the ... There has to be sufficient time till you get through that brain fog and you can have an accurate picture of who really am I relating to? Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist and she’s actually studied this. Gary: One, recognize what infatuation is doing to you. And so, just enjoy the feeling, but recognize I’m very vulnerable to my feelings. Gary: Jim, it goes back again, to the “why.” I think of the Mother’s Day card that I wrote for my wife the last Mother’s Day, just thanking her for what she’s invested in our kids. Gary: There are aspects of life that will break your heart. And at the website, we’ll link over to our Boundless website, which is an entire portion of this ministry dedicated to help singles live out a fulfilling life and to prepare well for marriage relationships.Author Gary Thomas discusses several issues within the modern dating scene – character vs. you shared that you felt almost hypocritical when you wrote this book, because you did a (Chuckling) miserable job practicing what you preach. I feel sometimes as a dad, I’m not doin’ it as well as I should as president of Focus on the Family (Chuckling). And that’s not how marriage should work according to God’s design. but you suggest that singles should ask themselves, they want to get married to. (Laughing), you know, that takes a lot of maturity. I don’t know that I would’ve thought that through quite that--Gary: Yeah. They haven’t connected their faith with their romance and their view of marriage.romantic attraction, the neurological impact of infatuation, the idea of soulmates – while encouraging singles to be intentional in their pursuit of a godly spouse. And later, I do want to dig into the infatuation aspect, because I’ve found your book really intriguing in that area. So, for them, the “why” of marriage is sharing an infatuation, sharing sexual chemistry, enjoying each other’s company on a date.And if we’re not aware of this, see, we spent so much time teaching singles to be good stewards of their sexual purity, which we need more of, not less. But I don’t believe we’ve taught Christian singles as much to be stewards of their emotional health. Gary: --don’t understand how transcendent infatuation feels. And yet, neurologists now, because we know so much more about the brain in this generation than any previous age, that it literally makes us blind. We literally start to relate to somebody who doesn’t exist. Gary: --term neurologists use is “idealization.” And ... And what every pastor and counselor has heard so often when somebody’s been carried away by infatuation into a long-term commitment, it’s five, six years later. In vernacular language, what I would say, is you’re so focused on getting and keeping the person, you don’t have any neurological energy left over to think, are they worth getting? If people challenge you, that tends to draw you closer together. I mean, the guys had cheated on her, they’d gotten a little rough with her, I mean, just horrendous situations. One, she caught him on the phone telling another woman, not his sister and not his mom, that he loved her. He could be somewhat emotionally abusive in a way that would send her into crying fits. Gary: I tell college guys, “I know you can’t believe this when you’re just enthralled by this woman in her 20s.” But I said, “But the day will come sooner than you can believe when she will look not that unlike her mom.” It’s what happens. I’m the single and I’m again, seekinga mate and what you’re saying theoretically, it ... In fact, when you contribute generously today, we’ll send a copy of Gary Thomas’ book and a CD of this conversation as well.and so, we see strengths that others wouldn’t pick up. You become emotionally dependent on the relationship. And so, it really just basically, takes over your neurological processing. It’s just we have to know it’s not a good enough reason to marry someone. Let me drill into that, because there was a statement in your book that really caught my attention and it fits right here. She’s with a third guy, worried that maybe he wasn’t as committed to her as she was to him. And as she’s just describing the dynamics of this relationship, I’m thinking, why are in this relationship? yeah, I just said, he seems to me very similar to the guys that you had this problem with before. I am deeply and passionately in love with him.” So, I took a deep breath and I said, “Were you in love with your first husband? I was devastated when he left me.” “Well, what about your second husband? it was different, but yeah, very much so.”And I said finally, “Maybe you need to find a reason other than being in love to marry someone, because it’s led you to two relationships. It’s leading you to men that aren’t healthy for you, that aren’t good for you.”But because it’s so engrained in our mind that if we feel this head-over-heels in love, we don’t even question whether we should marry him. Well, you’re listening to Gary Thomas on Focus on the Family hosted by Jim Daly. It’s our way of saying thank you for being part of our support team.(Laughter) Now put all--Jim: It makes you write--Gary: --the research aside ... You feel desperate to win them and clingy to make sure they don’t get away. kind of described all negatively, because God has put that mechanism in us to draw us to each other, that infatuation. a couple generations ago, if you presented to a woman, a guy has this trait, this trait, this trait and this trait, but you don’t have that over-the-top weak-in-the-knee feeling of infatuation, would you marry him? Gary and his wife, Lisa, reside in Texas and have three children.
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But it also refers to single women and at first, he discusses that singleness is an option. But then he says, if she wants to get married, that’s fine. this is a quote, “She is free to marry anyone she wishes, only in the Lord.”Jim: Hm. And that’s where Proverbs comes in and Scripture is so helpful, because Proverbs 31 lays it out entirely on the basis of character. ” It says, you look for this, this, this and this, not a sense of destiny, not trying to second guess God, but this is what a good woman is. The richest marriages I have seen and this is what I would tell singles, the most intimate, fulfilled marriages I’ve ever witnessed are marriages that exist for something bigger than themselves. when I think back on this conversation thus far, some people could think, that is a really unromantic (Chuckling) approach to marriage. speak to that person, why what you have said it ... If we seek first His kingdom and His righteous[ness], all these other things that we desire, those will be taken are of--John: Hm. The “why” really does matter to answer the “who.”Jim: Well, Gary Thomas, author of the book, , this has been a great start to the discussion, but uh ... In fact, I want to start next time with this one, winning the romance lottery. let’s go there and can you just stay with us and--Gary: I--Jim: --we’ll go on. We’ll include the next broadcast on that as well and get a copy of for yourself or to pass along to a single that you know.
we’ve gotta find the one out of 7 billion people on the face of the earth that God has created just for us. In fact, you say in your book, that infatuation only lasts maybe 12 to 18 months. I mean, most of us won’t even understand that, but that’s what’s happening to us biochemically, right? you know, next to Jesus Christ, I don’t know anyone with this character that has ever walked the earth. and then, this is just as destructive, they miss the negative clues. You can have extreme energy, even hyperactivity and sleeplessness. But how do I truly learn to develop that ability to place character over infatuation, when you just told me a little while ago that infatuation makes me blind and stupid. Boundless is helping me to become a better person in all the roles I fill; as a sister, employee, Christian; daughter and friend.”Now, we love hearing comments like that and being part of the journey every step of the way.